Auctioning Off Your Daughter's Virginity, And Other Things That Make You A Shitty Parent

I don't know if you remember the story from a couple of years ago about some college-aged girl who was way short on money. She thought it would be a good idea to put her virginity up for sale on the popular website eBay. Her reasoning was she would be getting the money she needed for college, and the perverted man would be getting his lifelong dream of having sex with a virgin. Well, eBay didn't look at it from her point of view, so they declined her auction. So she established her own personal website and gave it up to the highest bidder. I have several problems with this transaction. 1) I want to see pictures that prove you are a virgin. Can you even do it? 2) Who's to say you won't turn this around on me and scream 'rape'? I wonder how much the winning bid cost...

(22-year-old virgin. Yeah. Okay)

Fast forward to today's world. A 52-year-old mother in Salt Lake City, Utah, started the bidding at $10,000 for her 13-year-old daughter's virginity. First of all, I thought Mormons were to abstain from sex in any capacity. (Oral, vaginal, anal) Not only did she put her up for auction, but she took her to Victoria's Secret and had her display her goodies in bras and thongs to one prospective buyer. So second of all, why would they have a Victoria's Secret in a place where sex is not allowed? She was eventually busted after the mom's boyfriend went through her texts and saw what she was doing. Third, it's okay to distrust the person you are in a relationship because look at what he saved.

(http://www.truecrimereport.com/2011/05/felicia_rae_mcclure_offered_to.php)

If that isn't the worst case of parenting, try this story on for size. A mom in Texas got involved in a catfight with another woman and the bag of meth she was carrying around fell to the ground. Since she is such a good parent, her kids were there watching the fight and ate the meth because they thought it was candy. The police have not released what has happened to the children, but my guess is nothing good. I'm a middle-aged man and I know that using Meth is a pretty bad idea. But to give it to children, albeit indirectly. Jesus Christ. I hope that they are all okay because that would be a shitty, cruel way to die.

I also read another story about a woman who had just given birth. The baby daddy wanted nothing to do with the child, as most dad-beat dads, so the mother put the baby in the microwave. I've come across a lot of stupid people in my career as a human, but I never thought I'd hear something like this. I never understood why new moms killed their children. Placing them in dumpsters, garbage cans, toilet bowls, and now microwaves. If you don't feel like you're up for the challenge of being a parent, give the baby up. Bring it to a foster home. Leave it in front of a hospital. At what point in time does it seem like the right thing to do to kill your baby?

(Japan baby drop-off!)

How about that other recent, prominent story about the lady giving botox to her 8-year-daughter because the little girl thought she had wrinkles? I thought the story was too good to be true because noone is dumb enough to pull off a trick like that. Turns out I was right. The mom made up all the whole story to become famous and shit. But wait. Pictures have surfaced of her injecting her daughter's lips with a syringe. So who's lying now? Did this mom actually put botox into her daughter's face, was this a ploy to become famous, or did she try to cover her tracks only because she lost custody of her kid? I read a funny retort in an otherwise really sick story: Once the girl was taken out of custody from her mom, she couldn't show how sad she really was because of all the botox injections. Zing!

So if you're a loser like me and you still live at home, think about how lucky all of us are to have the parents that we do. None of us were prostituted for some extra money, ate meth because we thought it was candy, were put into microwaves (I shouldn't even joke about it), or were injected with botox. For the most part, we've all had it pretty good. I hated when I got wooden spoons broken over me, but I've always been a piece of shit. It comes with the territory. Just promise me that when you finally become a parent, you'll actually treat your kid with respect and be a proper role model. Not all kids can turn out like me, you know, since "I am better than you."

Cheating Should Not Only Be Tolerated In Relationships, It Should Be Encouraged

Sit down and think about something for me for a minute. How many people do you know who have been in somewhat serious relationships (minimum 8 months) where at least one of them cheated? How many serious relationships have you been in where you cheated? I can honestly say that between all the people who I can call my friends, I can't think of one that hasn't cheated/been cheated on. Every single one of them. Why is that? What is so tempting about fooling around with somebody who isn't your lover? The answer? Everything.

People typically cheat because I believe it's in our nature. If we really evolved from monkeys or gorillas or whatever, shouldn't it be in our blood to find the most suitable mate? How many monkeys can you name that know the names of all their partners? As a matter of a fact, can they name any of them? No. No they cannot. And it isn't because monkeys can't talk. That's bullshit. They have some way of communicating with each other and I'm pretty sure the guy monkeys tell the other guy monkeys about the female monkey they just slayed. I'm pretty convinced in my beliefs.

So if we make like the monkeys and just want to tell our guy friends about the girl we just slayed, what's so wrong with that? There shouldn't be anything wrong, but somewhere along the lines it all went wrong. I think it all started with the Bible. Whoever wrote that fiction made it a point to highlight the importance of marriage and staying faithful until death do us part and blah blah blah. So people being the sheep they are, just follow it without clearly thinking it through. Those new age Mormons got it down with their polygamy plight. Men having 5, 6, even 7 wives. That just seems like a dream to me.

But Mike, doesn't it feel better to be in a committed relationship with someone who loves you and only wants to be with you? Sure it is, but can you find that person? Because I sure as hell don't think they exist. Like I said before, it's in our nature to cheat. We want to have those feelings of something being new and unexplored. When you have sex with the same person for years at a time, what's changing? Maybe things will get freaky for one night and she'll let you slip it in her butt. Cool. Once you've been there, the thrill is gone. That's why you need to find an unexplored female to make things exciting again.

If we all just have a country meeting one day and establish that it's okay to be in polygamous relationships, I think everyone will be better off. Never again do you have to worry about your girlfriend/boyfriend talking to the opposite sex on the telephone. Or coming home from a bar/party reeking of sex. All those worries and fears will be gone because you in turn will be doing the exact same thing. That just makes things much better for everyone involved. Cheating is usually the number one reason as to why relationships fail and I think if we could all stop worrying about it, people will be happier in the long run.

Think about it. Your partner likes to go to expensive restaurants and order the finest wines. You're cheap and hate dishing out all that money. You have a booty call on the side who loves to stay-in and eat something cheap and pound Franzia. Boom! Problem solved. You just flip-flop partners when need be. Nobody likes everything about the person they're dating. If you could fix one of those problems with somebody else, why wouldn't you? I think cheating should become accepted in all relationships. That way we can stop calling it cheating and start calling it "trying". The world of relationships will easily become a better place.

Aren't you glad I solved this issue for you? It's just because "I am better than you."