Summer Films That You Should See Because I Recommended Them (Part 1)

Since nobody gave a shit about what songs I decided were the best songs for the summer '11, I thought I'd give it another go on the summer movies. Now, I'm already late on two must-see films that made their way into theatres this summer, Tyler Perry's: Madea's Big Happy Family and Something Borrowed. But the summer season hasn't truly hit full stride. That's why I made it a point to tell you about the 10 movies you should go see this summer season because they are going to be the best $35 you can spend.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides

This shitty movie stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. Depp is another one of the most overrated people in all of Hollywood. He over-acts. He's a smug piece of shit. And he only does movies that involve Tim Burton in some aspect. I'm actually pretty sure they're butt pirates together. (See what I did there) Depp gave guys who were unsure about their sexual orientation the idea that wearing mascara or eyeliner or some other make-up is okay. It's not okay. In fact, it's the opposite of okay. It's not okay. I must say though, I do respect the work Depp did in Edward Scissorhands. It is a decent movie. But let's cut it out with all these pirate movies, Johnny.

9. X-Men: First Class

Perhaps this movie will be like its predecessor and be a first class piece of shit. Or maybe I'm wrong and it will be a decent film. Either way, I think they need to relax on the X-Men movies. Again, another franchise with its fourth installment coming out this summer. Too much of the same and you're left with a sour taste in your mouth. Plus, I didn't see Rebecca Romijn in the trailer and that immediately curbs my interest. As long as there are other attractive women in this movie, I might be compelled to go. Otherwise, I'll watch old episodes of the fucking awesome cartoon on my laptop. That cartoon was the best.

8. The Smurfs

I have a pretend interest in this movie because I practically lived with a smurf for 4 years. His name was Brian. He went around skateboarding and surfing like a typical liberal. Then came the photographs and the artwork and records of The John Butler Trio. If only he had painted his entire body blue, he would have made the ultimate smurf. I only kid. Brian is a great kid who provided me the opportunity to write a blog because I knew he had one and I knew mine would be much more elite. Again I only kid. Sorta. But speaking of Smurfs, the animation looks neat and Katy Perry's voice is in it. If I could go with a girl and hold hands, I would.

7. Cars 2

I can never doubt Pixar. They never make bad movies. Some of my favorite movies, animated or not, are Pixar movies. Does that question my sexuality? No. Should it? Yeah, probably. But that's okay. Monsters, Inc. is the single greatest animated film of all-time. Toy Story isn't far behind. But my feelings are mixed on this one. The president of Pixar made a vow that they wouldn't make a sequel unless they felt they had a story that was as original or better than the first. The problem with this movie is that one of the voices, Paul Newman, died last year. And I know a voice doesn't make a movie, but Paul Newman was a legend. He even has a brand of popcorn and salad dressing. Nothing spells success like ranch dressing. Nothing.

6. Captain America: The First Avenger

What kind of American and patriot would I be if I didn't include this movie. This idiot Chris Evans is Captain America and looks like a 'roid monkey in the movie. The major major problem I have with the film is the location of it. Captain America. Guess where it was filmed? It was filmed in South Wales, England. Is there nowhere in America majestic enough to have the film shot? I mean, come on. I might actually boycott this movie because they didn't even film it here. That's just beyond ridiculous. The other reason is because it's probably going to be a shitty movie with way too much action and not enough character development. But with the caliber of movies coming out this summer beyond sub-par, this appears to be the sixth best of the bunch. Cool.

Join me tomorrow when I reveal the top 5 movies that you will need to see this summer. Or else. "I am better than you."

The Greatest Movie Sequels/Trilogies On Planet Earth

Today I learned that one of my favorite movies of all-time was getting a sequel come 2012. And no it's not "Men In Black III". This particular movie features the voices of Billy Crystal and John Goodman. An animated film produced by the greatest in the world, Pixar. Monsters Inc. 2. Boom! I nearly dropped a tear or twelve at the prospect of another one of these films. First of all, Boo is the cutest kid in any movie ever made, ever. And she's not even a real person. What does that tell you? Plus, the story was incredible and I was invested in it emotionally. I already bought my ticket so va-va-voom. I did not just come out of the closet, so if you will, please continue reading. So now I'm going to talk about the best movie sequels/trilogies in no particular order because I'm just so thrilled.

Scream - The last time I went to the movies I saw a poster for Scre4m (Scream 4). I jizzed in my pants. When I was growing up, the Scream trilogy was easily my favorite horror movie franchise. Like I mentioned previously, I was in love with Neve Campbell. Yeah, whatever. But the writing was great. The thrills were real. Plus, who wouldn't like a movie that featured Courtney Cox and David Arquette? Not this guy, that's for sure. So on April 15, 2011, I will be in the movie theatre with my popcorn, extra butter, enjoying the next great piece in film history.

Bourne - I have a penis, so I liked the Bourne trilogy. You have to be some sort of asshole if you don't like Matt Damon. His work alone in "Good Will Hunting" made me a fan of his forever. But the movies in themselves were very complex, well-written, strong cinematography, and edited to perfection. The action was incredible if you were too dull to understand the dialogue and sort of edge-of-your-seat entertainment throughout. The only downfall of the trilogy was the lack of eye candy. Julia Stiles was attractive never and neither were the other no-name actresses.

Home Alone - Macaulay Culkin. Need I say more? This kid was banging Mila Kunis for like 8 years and nobody knew about it. If that wasn't the best booby trap he ever plotted, I don't know what is. This is completely unrelated, but did you see the third installment? Holy shit, it was phenomenal. All jokes aside, the first two movies were excellent films. And they both have that Christmas feel to them. Perhaps because they both take place during that time, despite the lack of mentioning it. Home Alone 2 is one of those movies that rates strongly with the original, therefore it must be on this list.

Rocky - Apollo Creed, Ivan Drago, Tommy Gunn, Mason "The Line" Dixon. Only Sly Stallone could create such incredible characters in that 5'4'' brain of his. The Rocky movies epitomized what is wrong with Philadelphia. The people are trash, the sports teams are trash, and they are very poorly educated. Roll it into a big ball and out shoots Rocky Balboa. I love the movies. No matter how incredulous they were, they still made you feel good inside, and that's what it's all about, ain't it? (Sorry Philadelphia. I'll be sure to be kinder when I parade in your streets come Saturday.)

Terminator - Just because Arnold is a fuckin' beast.

And there you have it. The best movie sequels/trilogies ever created. Sorry Pot Roast, The Lord of the Rings didn't make the cut because those movies made me want to kill myself. There are some that just missed the cut because I didn't feel like writing anymore. I only picked the best of the best and I know you agree with me because you know that, "I am better than you."