What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up? I Wanted To Pump Gas

It's amazing at how much your imagination wanders when you're a little shit. Almost like you feel anything is possibleeeeeee (Kevin Garnett - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyjOy7fRzs0). My mom would always tell me "Dream big Mike". I'm lying. She never told me that. But still, you feel like the world is your oyster and with it you can do anything. See when I was growing up I had a lot of dreams of what I wanted to be when I was an adult. Actually, my first dream job was to be a gas pumper. For those of you not from New Jersey or Oregon, these are the people who fill up your tank when you're at the gas station. They always had this huge wad of cash with them and I thought they got to keep it. Lo and behold, that money isn't theirs. Dream crushed.

After I figured that out at the age of 18, I needed some new dreams and new ambitions. Another one of my dream jobs was to be a detective. When I was in grammar school, our library had 100 books. 12 of those books happened to be Encyclopedia Brown books. By far the most kickass detective in the history of storytelling and real life. He makes Robert Downey Jr.'s interpretation of Sherlock Holmes look like a shit-stained pair of tighty whiteys. That's a very disgusting image. But that led me wanting to be the first Almanac Gray. Never happened. Dream crushed.

I became an advocate of one the best sitcoms written during the last 10 years. Scrubs, a simple concept of a show that exhibited the highlights and lowlights of being a medical doctor. On one hand, you meet all these great people who inspire you and make you strive to be a better person. And then on the other, you meet some people content with calling it a life. Like almost all jobs, it has it's ups-and-downs, but something I wanted to pursue. Turns out you have to major in science or some shit and then go to graduate school and then do a residency at a hospital or something. $300,000 later you are now a doctor. Dream crushed.

Lately, I got into Californication. An excuse for a show that showcases attractive women with their tops off. I really like the show. The main character is an asshole, has sex with beautiful women, tussles with his baby mama, and drinks all his sorrows away. Now I want to be a writer. Do I have the qualifications? A degree in Communication Studies doesn't sound like it. Am I a decent writer? You would have to be the judge of that. I find this blog to be moderately offensive and garbled with a bunch of meaningless text. But if you are reading it, it must not be so terrible. Becoming an author takes a lot of time, talent, and luck. None of which I have. Dream crushed.

So what is it that I want to be when I grow up? I have no fucking idea. As I sit typing away in my bed, I think about what it is that will truly make me happy. But no time spent is enough to give me an answer. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I don't know what it is that I want to do with the rest of my life. I know for sure what I don't want to do. And that's live in New Jersey for all of eternity. I'm thinking of inventing a t-shirt with a built-in fan. Or an air conditioner that can fit inside my pillow to ensure that it is always cold. Either way, growing up sucks. At least I know that, "I am better than you."

How Facebook Is Ruining Relationships

My sister doesn't know about the disadvantages Facebook poses for people around my age. It just started to hit stride as she was graduating college. So I had the pleasure of seeing firsthand what Facebook does to crumble relationships. And I'm not just talking about sexual ones, but friendships too. So being the kind-hearted human that I am, I have proposed a list of things to be aware of in this techno-savvy era we are currently living in. Here is how to prevent Facebook from ruining your relationships.

1.) Attack of the ex's - Mostly everybody has an ex. You date, it flops, you move on. However, in today's age these ex's just don't go away. Just because they aren't around physically doesn't mean they aren't around totally. Facebook has a feature that allows you to post comments under pictures, wall posts, and status updates. I can imagine the rage that would ensue after having seen an ex post something unflattering on your current interest's wall/picture/status. My advice? Fuck em. We all have ex's, it's best to not let theirs get in the way of what you currently are working on.

2.) Poking and messaging - These first two items are very similar and are both directly related to jealousy. You happen to look at your hook-up's Home page and notice that she's been poked by some toolbag. An invitation to some flirty behavior. You can't help but ask yourself what this dick is thinking? Or you go even further and start looking through their message inbox and see some things you wish you hadn't. Well, Facebook is just like a cell phone. Don't go snooping through the txt messages because you might read something you don't want to. It's better to trust who you're with and leave the snooping for Sherlock Holmes.

3.) Pictures - The ultimate best and worst part of Facebook. When it was first introduced, pictures were the best and easiest way to stalk somebody. You can see essentially their whole life since they created their Facebook. Nowadays, you have the option of making your pictures private which has its positives and negatives. One is that you don't have to see what they looked like with braces and acne. But you also don't get to see if so and so actually went to their friend Kimmy's house like they said they were. They could have been at a frat party getting trains run on them. You never know with people. Just don't look at the pictures.

4.) Status updates - I mentioned it before, but now I want to go in-depth. You are supposed to go drinking at a friend's house. You have made all the plans, it's just a matter of physically doing it. John calls you back when you're a minute away. Claims to have been grounded. When in reality, John just made plans to go to dinner with his girlfriend Phoebe. This is why you should never update your status. Whereas I would have believed you about being grounded, I now know that you are on a dinner date with your whore-ish girlfriend. If you don't want somebody to know where you are, don't update your status. Plain and simple.

5.) Unfriending - The biggest culprit of them all. You haven't spoken with this person for a year or so. You go through your "friends" and decide it's time to eliminate them. All of a sudden the person you deleted is trying to be your friend again. They get overly upset that you would end your friendship with them. You know as well as I know that this person is a piece of shit and your friendship doesn't really mean anything. And really? We've come to a point where being friends on a social networking site means something? Fuck that. Get rid of everyone on your Facebook who you don't talk to because what's the difference really.

I know I was supposed to help prevent ruining the relationships, but as you can see unfriending is something that just needs to happen. In fact, it might be helping you out in the long run because you'll be able to say that you did it first and make them look like the pussy. Just don't be a creeper and follow my simple steps to ensure that Facebook doesn't ruin your relationships anymore. However, I can break the rules because "I am better than you."