My Final Posting

Well fellow blog readers, I have some terrible news. This post will indeed be my last posting. I started this blog in the beginning of January and made it to April. 56 posts later and here we are. Nothing has changed, nothing is different. I used this blog as a forum to help get over a relationship that was very meaningful to me. One that absorbed nearly 3 years of my life and it ended. Just like that. I was also having some trouble with my living situation and being unemployed got to me physically and mentally. You start to doubt yourself and things that you are capable of and fall into this depression. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't need that to happen, so I took to blogging.

What this did was allow me to write in a forum where I could say anything I wanted. There are no restrictions, no limitations. From my very first post about horrorscopes and how fucking stupid I think they are, to my very last post about the 2011 baseball season. I covered many topics and ranted about things I believe in, don't believe in, and everything in between. The support I have garnered from all of you who had read was truly remarkable and I couldn't be more appreciative. You truly inspired me to keep writing even if you didn't agree with a lot of what I was saying. Here's to you.

Since I don't want to end on an unhappy note I thought I would spend this last posting talking about some of my favorite posts and topics in general. Just most recently, the one-named celebrities was one of my favorites. I think I gave a good account of some of the most popular ones and added some hilarious commentary about why I liked or didn't like them. Plus the pictures were pretty sweet. Sting without a shirt. Prince in the fetal position. Superb. The Disney princesses was also pretty swell. We all thought about "doing them" so why not write about it. Instant classic.

Describing the existence of aliens took me from 6 to midnight. I love watching The X-Files because I'm a huge nerd and that show revolves around paranormal activity and extraterrestrial life. So trying to prove my point in showing how they were real was a personal fave. And how disgusting are people in our country? The post about Skype sex being dangerous gets hits left and right. People in our country are genuinely concerned about whether or not it is safe to do. Of course it is you fucking idiots. What could possibly go wrong besides someone walking in on you? As if they don't touch their private parts. But geez Louise, stop being so God-damned perverted.

It was also really hard for me to open up the way that I did about my relationship. All my friends knew how I was feeling and members of my family saw what I was going through. But to put it in a public forum for the world to see showed a lot of growth on my part and what I think was some of my best writing because it was so emotionally charged. The best is that it was a steady stream of writing. No pauses to collect my thoughts. It just came all naturally. That's why I think that may have been the best post in terms of quality and emotional appeal. Thanks to you February 17.

In closing, I'd like to reiterate my thanks to all of you who read the blog on a consistent basis. I got my inspiration from my former roommate who is doing some really great things in Ethiopia right now and blogging about it. If you don't know what the web address is I will provide it to you right now: waidsworld.wordpress.com. It seriously puts my blog to shame because the quality is so much better and he's a genuinely good, nice person. Again thank you all for the continued support and I hope that we can speak again soon. Until then...

APRIL FOOLS!!

You fucking morons! Did you actually think I was going to stop writing? I haven't even begun to emphasize the thousands of ways "I am better than you."

Opening Day 2011: Predictions, Analysis, And Commentary

And so today marks Opening Day 2011. A time when your team is still undefeated and has hopes of making a run into October. Of course, if you were a true fan, you would know whether or not your team has a valid chance. My team's hopes and dreams reside in the year 2018, if not later. So I plan on giving you the pleasure of reading my predictions and analysis for the upcoming season with the added bonus of some of my best personal commentary. Here's to you Opening Day 2011, I hope you don't suck dick!

AL East - Red Sox - Every year nowadays it seems as if the Red Sox are the favorites to win the AL East. This year, however, they for sure will. With a devastating 1-2-3 rotation and a very solid lineup, they should have no problem winning the division. The Rays will be in sell-mode come the July trading deadline, and the Yankees have way too many issues with the starting rotation. The only advantage I see the Yanks having come September in a close race is the bullpen. Boston is lacking any real experience in the 'pen this year and Jonathan Papelboner isn't getting any better. Still, I like Boston this year.

AL Central - Twins - Somehow, some way the Twins keep winning the division. With a shitty payroll and a roster full of nobody's, they just keep winning. With a healthy Canadian Morneau and the destructive Mauer, I can't see anyone taking over the top spot. There are some definite questions surrounding the rotation behind Pavano and Blackburn, but the team is solid to its core. The White Sox are the only real threat to the Twins, but with that idiot Ozzie Guillen at the helm, this team will keep underachieving. Maybe this time the Twins won't have to play the Yankees in the Division Series.

AL West - Athletics - I don't know why but it's a gut feeling. I liked what they did last year with a roster full of pussies. They finally cut ties with Eric Chavez, who hasn't been good since circa '01. They have a real good, young pitching staff that will cause fits in a very weak division. Braden, Cahill, Gonzalez, and Anderson have the makings to be the new Big Four. (Thanks ESPN) I believe the Rangers blew their load last season and will come nowhere close to the playoffs this time around. In fact, I think they will finish behind the Angels, who come back to reality this year and produce another solid season of baseball. Wells and Morales will bring the power and Kazmir and Haren will bring the K's.

AL Wild Card - Yankees - I'd have to be some kind of an asshole to exclude the Yankees. As much as I hate them, and it's alot, they still have a pretty good team. From the aging Jeter, to the gloss-tastic A-Rod, to fat fuck Sabathia. An all-around talented baseball team, but one that is getting old really quickly. They are no longer the bully of the division, as evidenced by the Red Sox resurgence and the Rays talent. The rest of the American League, however, is comprised of teams that suck and have zero talent. These Yankees will be the class of 2nd place teams and will beat up on a youthful A's team come October.

NL East - Phillies - This is just too painful to write. I hate the Phillies. I hate everyone on their team. I hate all their fans. I hate their city. I hate their state. I really do hate everything about them. But I can't deny they are the class of the division and will be for the next 3-5 years. The starting rotation might be one of the best ones ever compiled. Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, and Hamels is just vicious. But I can see them having some problems offensively with the departure of Edge, I mean Jayson Werth, and an aging Jimmy Rollins. Even that weirdo Utley can't seem to keep healthy. They should still be alright.

NL Central - Cardinals - Now that Tony LaRussa is the best manager in baseball again, I see the Cardinals making a re-appearance in the postseason. With a healthy Chris Carpenter heading up the rotation and Albert Pujols likely last season in St. Louis, I see them going out with a bang. The Reds had a fluke year last year, much like the Rangers did and will have trouble keeping up with the much more experienced Cardinals team. Schumaker and Rasmus will shore up the offense alongside Holliday and the aforementioned Pujols. Pitching coach Dave Duncan seems to work miracles with shit and will continue to do so this year. I also hate St. Louis.

NL West - Rockies - Carlos Gonzalez is a freak-a-zoid. He reminds me of a young A-Rod, except much quicker and clearly not on the juice yet. He showed that he is a remarkable 5-tool player and absolutely worth trading Matt Holliday for. If he could show just as much promise as he did at the tail end of last season this season, then Denver is up for some joy this year. Everyone knows the NL West is the worst division in baseball year-after-year and that the Giants got lucky last year. They are the only real challenge for the Rockies because of their youthful and downright dominant pitching staff. But I can't see them performing like that again.

NL Wild Card - Giants - As much as I just bashed them 3 seconds ago, I still think they are better than any other team in the NL. I don't know where all these experts on ESPN get off on picking the Braves. They are easily the most overrated team in all of baseball this year. In fact, I might be surprised if they win more than 85 games. They are strapped offensively and the rotation looks like it can break down at any second. Lincecum and Cain have proven consistently that they are the real deal and are strikeout mavens. Bumgarner just has to be good and Sanchez has to throw strikes and they should have no problem clinching a playoff spot. Just don't expect a repeat of last year.

AL MVP - Miguel Cabrera - As much as he likes to booze and drive drunk and beat up his wife or girlfriend or whatever, the kid can hit a baseball. He put up mondo numbers last year for being an alcoholic and I expect to see an improvement in them once again this year. If he can keep the drinking in check and limit it to like 2 or 3 times a week, I think you're going to see something special this year. If he was playing in a more hitter-friendly ballpark, I'd have expected him to smash some records this season. But anywho.

(This picture is when he ruined Brad Lidge's life in the NLCS)

NL MVP - Albert Pujols - I can't go against him. I just can't. If this guy can mash as much as he's been mashing his whole career, there's no reason to say he won't win another MVP. Just because Joey Votto blew the BBWAA and won the MVP last year, doesn't mean his blowjob will hold up this season. Expect to see Pujols win it again, just because he's that damn good. Also, the Cardinals will make the playoffs and that seems to matter or something.

AL Cy Young - Jon Lester - I'm biased because I picked him first in my fantasy league. I think he's that good and with Lackey and Buchholz behind him, I just see the Sox dishing out some punishment this year. Also, I like when Yankee fans cry about not winning superlative awards because their season went to the shitter last year. Sabathia wasn't that good. Grow up assholes.

NL Cy Young - Matt Cain - This guy has deserved it for the past couple of years, but little run support always saw him come up short in the wins department. I think this will finally be his year in which he wins it. I know Tim Lincecum is the ace of the staff, but Matt Cain isn't a bad No. 2. I'd like to see him finally win it. My honorable mention is obviously R.A. Dickey (For you, Bear)

World Series Champion - Red Sox over Cardinals in 6

There you have it. My 100% correct opinions and analysis and commentary. Boom. Read it and weep. Just because "I am better than you."

Remember When Chat Roulette Was Popular?

Chatroulette can be regarded as the most lame fad/concept that failed to take off. I remember sitting in my living room one day with 5 friends and a laptop. What was considered a good idea roughly one year ago, is no longer a good idea. It was probably a typical Sunday afternoon and we were bored watching television. Since Chatroulette was the new, fun thing to do, we went on the site. We sat there for a good 30 minutes clicking the next button. No one seemed interesting and were ugly to boot. Plus, if I wanted to watch a guy play with his penis, I'd look down. Dumb.

So on that day, we wasted roughly 30-60 minutes of our lives that we will never get back. As if we would have done something more entertaining. Literally all it was was non-Americans and guys jerking off. It's no small wonder that it was popular for 13 seconds. However, this got me picking my brain on other fads that were popular for a short time. So I present to you, things that were popular that shouldn't have been because I think they are stupid.

Crocs - Once a friend of mine wore these at his beach house. I'm pretty sure after 3 hours worth of mocking, he decided to never wear them again. I personally have never tried a pair on despite the fact that I hear they're comfortable as hell. But that's not the point. Anytime you have a picture, like the one above, you should NOT be wearing them. It doesn't matter if you are a boy, a girl, white, black, brown, yellow, red, or blue. They are fucking stupid and ugly and serve no purpose, except to make you look like an asshole. I have no respect for you if you partake in wearing these eyesores.

Pokemon - I'd be a liar if I told you I never bought a pack or 100 of the cards. Or if I played the games. Or watched the show. But that's irrelevant to what I'm saying. Pokemon is still around? Who knew that a fuzzy little yellow mouse thing would become such a phenomenon? I guess considering that it has been a part of our culture since 1998, it isn't really a fad. But it was for me. And a poor one. What Ash Ketchum is doing is throwing his balls at these animal-things and pretty much enslaving them. Is this a message we should be sending little children? That it's okay to entrap animals and make them your own? No. Absolutely not. Plus, the movie fucking sucked. Whatever.

Pee-Wee Herman - Pee-Wee had a delightful television program on Saturday mornings. It featured his playhouse with talking furniture and robots and other weird shit. If this guy didn't do drugs, then I don't know who did. He had a "Secret Word" that after you said it, sirens and clapping and crazy stuff would go off. And yeah, sure, maybe it was entertaining and educational, but Jesus Christ relax a little. And Mr. Herman (Paul Reuben) went to jail after he was caught jerking himself off in a public domain. At least he was watching adult porn and wasn't sitting at a kid's park or something. Either way, I can't believe people liked this or that parents let their children rot their brains with this garbage.

Pet Rocks - I'll be the first to admit some days it's harder to get out of bed than others, being unemployed and all. But the day that I begin to call a rock a friend or even worse, a pet, is the day I should no longer be allowed to live on the planet. It must have taken a marketing genius or the best quarterback to ever play in high school, to make pet rocks "cool". This shit is almost as bad as a Tamagochi, but at least with that you fed it or didn't feed it and watched it die. There was an interaction. What do you do with a pet rock? Shove it up your ass? Gimme a break. The whole concept of this is ridiculous. (Note: RIDICULOUS not RE-diculous. It isn't getting diculous again, idiots.) Dumb fad.

Slinky - Before I die, I need to know why Slinky's were popular. Have people never seen plastic or cheap metal before? Things go down stairs? What is it? I need to know. "A slinky, a slinky. Everyone loves a slinky." False advertising because it isn't true. I don't love a slinky. I don't even love the name. Holy shit, how pathetic were humans during the 50s or 60s or whenever this piece of shit came out? The only remarkable thing this "toy" ever did was make it onto a feature film. If I can recall correctly, it was Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls when he started it at the top of the monk monastery and ran down only to watch it make it to the last step. The piece of shit toy doesn't even work properly. Absolutely disgusting. I'm appalled.

Fads. We seem to love them in America because every year, it's something new. Just last year people liked rubber bands that had shapes. SillyBandz. Kids traded them and beat the shit out of each other to get them. They sold for $3 for 5 of them. Rubber bands. It seems to be a splendid idea getting into the toy fad industry. However, none of my ideas would sell because all of them would consider me noting how "I am better than you."

Beer Goggles Are Real. I Tried Them On In D.A.R.E.

When I was in 5th grade, Officer Heath came into my classroom and taught my class about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. He was the local police officer and went around the schools promoting D.A.R.E. which is an acronym for Drug Awareness Recommend Ecstacy or something along those lines. So me and the rest of my 14 classmates sat and listened while the cop talked about alcohol and drugs and what to do in certain situations. He even brought a pair of beer goggles for us to try on. The exercise allowed us to see what it would be like to be drunk. Our mission was to walk in a straight line in the front of the class. We all failed because it's impossible to win. It's like those games at carnivals. Set-up to have you lose. Regardless, beer goggles in real life actually exist.

I wasn't much of a drinker in high school because I was a huge loser. No one ever wanted to hang out with me, nevermind get shit-faced. That left me with waiting four years until I got to college to try out my real beer goggles. I excelled in high school and found myself getting accepted into an above-average college. August 2006 was the first time I let my true colors show. I went to a party with some of my newly-made friends and embarrassed the shit out of myself. I tried picking a fight with a firefighter, I spilled some beer on some hoe, and I threw up on the side of the apartment. Not bad, right?

Some of that isn't true. Only the part where I tried to fight the firefighter and throwing up. But it was at this time that I first came in contact with beer goggles. My memory immediately shot me back to 5th grade. However, these goggles were about 1000% not as strong. I had been living a lie. All that mumbo-jumbo they teach you just to get you to lay off the booze was a scam. If you can't walk when you're drunk, than you're just an asshole. And yeah yeah, I've gotten to a point where you stumble and fall, but give me a break. That happens once a year, on your birthday or some shit. But, beer goggles do exist. Let me explain.

I was at a house party in September of '06 with a kid named Tony Hawk. (No not the skateboarder) We had met up with some friends of his that he had met not so long ago. We were in the kitchen of the party and I saw myself fancying (I don't think that's a word) a remotely attractive female. I worked up some beer muscles to start flirting with her. Things seemed to be going pretty well until she started making out with her friend. Who was a girl. I was stunned. I thought things like that only happened in American Pie movies. But right there, in the flesh, two girls aggressively making out. I proceeded to ask the girl I was courting if I could get a piece of the action, like a creep. She obliged. But little did I know that she had pulled a swap. Her disgusting friend, who has been compared to as a baby seal, was licking my tongue. I vomited again.

That next day, I was ridiculed and mocked and sometimes I'm still mocked for it. She was the definition of treacherous and her whole body can only be regarded as abysmal. But I took it in stride because that's what college is for. It made for a fun story. I can assure you however, that had I been sober, such a disgraceful act never would have taken place. I was duped. So over the course of the next year and a half, I made plenty of more mistakes with girls that I don't ever want to see again. But it built character. Not many people can say they have made-out with the lowest quality looking girls of all-time. And I'm sure some girls feel the same about me. Clearly, they are idiots.

I know deep-down that beer goggles are real. There have been studies done to prove that your eyes see what they want to see or some other scientific jargon like that. And then you do stupid things and nearly regret it in the morning. But not this guy. Nope. I take what I have done and I let it shine through. For all the baby seals, and Snooki's, to the chicks that looked like dudes, I commend you for making me realize how incredible I am. Sometimes I miss the beer goggles bug, but maybe it's time to grow up. Either way, "I am better than you."

The Artist Formerly Known As Lindsay Lohan And Other Famous One-Named Celebrities

And so, over the weekend, actually I believe it was Friday, Lindsay Lohan decided to drop her surname. She will officially be referred to as "Lindsay". The reasoning her publicity team gave was that there was so much negativity surrounding the name Lohan. Some people think back to her father, Michael, who appears to be the grandest of pieces of shit walking the planet. You might also think about her mother Dina, who clearly is a money-hungry whore who could give two shits less about her daughter. But never in their press release did they make any mention of Lindsay getting 12 DUI's or 6 arrests pertaining to the possession of cocaine. Clearly, she still is not at peace with herself and must blame her family for her dumb ass behavior. Fuck you Lindsay.

But what this did for me, more importantly, was to compile a list of all the best one-named celebrities to ever dominate Hollywood. So now I give you the pleasure of providing the best of the best one-named wonders.

Bono - If this isn't the best picture to describe a total douchebag, then I don't know what is. Yeah, maybe deaf people enjoy his music as a member of U2, but anyone with a knack for quality music knows this asshole hasn't made anything good since The Joshua Tree. Great humanitarian you are, Boner, I mean Bono.

Prince - What would this list be without the most putrid musician of all-time? I've had numerous arguments with friends and strangers over the course of my life, discrediting his heterosexuality. Now I have nothing against those who are homosexual, but please don't undermine my intelligence by telling me he has sex with women. I know it's not true. And his Super Bowl halftime show a couple of years ago made me want to puncture my eardrums.

Cher - DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVEEEEEEEEE?

Sting - Humma Humma Humma. Easily the best musician of those I have named thus far. The Police is a super talented band and have produced some of the best songs ever. "Roxanne", "Don't Stand So Close To Me", "Every Breath You Take", and many more. And not only does he bang models and other hot people, he was mentioned on an episode of Friends, t.v.'s second greatest sitcom ever produced. And last but not least, he has the distinction of getting confused with a professional wrestler. Sting used to be the best with his colorful facepaint and the Scorpion Death Lock, an obvious play on Bret Hart's more credible Sharpshooter, but I digress. Sting is the Don.

Beyonce - I'm not racist or blind.

Yanni - The ultimate insult when you were in 6th grade was to call someone Yanni. It might also hold that distinction today.

Seal - Seal did something for me that no other person can come close to. He boosted my self-esteem and confidence off the charts. I don't give a shit if he writes personalized poems to Heidi Klum every morning when they wake up, this is one ugly motherfucker. If he can marry and re-populate the Earth with his seed with one of the best looking supermodels of all-time, I am capable of anything. I have to admit however that "Kissed By A Rose" is a great song to lose your virginity to. Fact.

There you have it. My list of all the best one-named celebs in the history of the world. In the next 20 years when someone is compiling the next list of best one-named celebs in the world, I have a strong gut feeling that Lindsay Lohan, excuse me Lindsay, will not be included on the list. And as a matter of fact that list won't be nearly as good as mine is, because you already know "I am better than you."

Untitled

It comes through quietly, unannounced. It moves quickly, unnoticed like a thief in the night. It doesn't hold any prejudice against anyone. Age is not a factor. It doesn't matter if you're 1, 12, 25, 46, 78, or 112, it will eventually come to get you. In all the battles it has waged, it remains undefeated and will remain that way for the rest of time. Sometimes it's associated as a black-hooded figure with a scythe. Nobody knows what happens after it strikes. If you don't know by now, I'm talking about death. March 21, 2011, death struck a member of my family once again. I'm beginning to grow tired of "it."

I had the privilege of experiencing the first 13 years of my life without so much as a threat to death occurring. There were no severe illnesses in my family and ages weren't close to reaching the 100 figure. It was December 27, 2000 that death first entered my life. I remember it distinctly because I had just come back home from the store with my mom to exchange a Christmas gift. Her father had passed away. In his battle against death, his heart lost valiantly. I didn't know how to respond. My grandfather and I weren't all that close despite the fact that we lived in the same house. He spoke Polish, I spoke English. It was only until after his passing that I realized how much I had missed out on. His adventures in the Army. Bouts in the concentration camp in Germany. Busting his ass to provide for his family. All these things I could never get from him.

The next time I experienced it was 2003. My great-grandmother missed out on her attempt to hit 100. She only made it to 93, but that's pretty old. Again, I didn't know her that well and missed out on the chance to learn about her life. It wasn't until 2008 that death hit home. My grandma, referred to as "Meema", lost her bout with colon cancer. For the rest of my life I'll regret not sending her a thank you for the money she sent me in the mail not too long before her passing. I didn't know how grave her condition was because she never made it a point to tell anyone. I really loved Meema. She was pretty great to me and my sister. Even my mom. Now I can never say anything to her again.

Just this past Monday I suffered the fourth loss of my life. My other grandmother passed on after suffering from Parkinson's Disease for more than 30 years. If you don't know what PD is, simply it's a neurological condition that causes you to lose control of muscle movement. Lately her condition got progressively worse and finally succumbed to the illness that had taken over the greater portion of her life. I can't begin to explain what it must be like to have such a disease, knowing that there is no cure. I can't. And if you had the privilege of hearing stories from me about her, you know what kind of things happened. For the most part, I tried to make them humorous and over-the-top and to an extent mocking her because I didn't know how else to express it. That was my way of coping with her disease. Did I feel bad for her? Without a doubt. Being bed-ridden for so long must be physically and emotionally draining. I'm relieved for her knowing that the suffering is over. I can only hope she's in a better place.

It's hard to believe that we live for so long only to perish. 82 years on Earth and do we only end up 6 feet under? I can sit and think about it all day, but no matter what I'll never know. Without an afterlife, that would be a bitter end to a long life. But to change the subject, death does do something for us. It brings family together like nothing else could. Not even Christmas can make a bond as strong as the death of "one of us". It's impossible. So while everyone is in mourning, the bond makes things much easier to cope with. Seeing my family everyday for the past 4 days has been very memorable and enjoyable. Seeing my cousin come home from the Marines is pretty pleasant. Everyone seems to enjoy each other's company. Why can't it be like that all the time? Family also seems to piss you off because they know what buttons to push. At a time of mourning, those buttons seem to disappear. It's sad that it takes a loss to bring everyone so close together.

And to top it all off, the support I have received from some of my friends is incredible. Word gets spread when death is involved. I made no mention of it to anybody because I'm not looking for sympathy. But to hear about it and then make the effort to see how I am doing shows genuine sincerity and care. To my friends who showed such compassion, I thank you, if you happen to be reading this. We're all at an age now where death is imminent to those close to us. I'd be pretty surprised to hear that someone I know has yet to lose somebody close to them. I've been "lucky" that I lost only those who are much older than me, yet nevertheless still close. It's times like these that I have a full appreciation for those who are still with me. It's never too late to tell someone how you really feel about them. You never want your last words with someone to be something you might end up regretting later. Take the time now to tell someone close to you how you really feel about them. Life is short.

And If The World Ends In 2012, I Won't Be Surprised

By now, there's a solid chance you are aware that I'm not a fan of liberals. I lived with 2 of them for 2 years of my existence and it was pretty wretched. I have a couple other friends who are liberal too and they are just as wretched. So when Barack Obama headed up the nomination for the Democratic party in 2008, I didn't know what to make of it. I had never heard of the guy. 3 years later and I've come to realize he's no better than his predecessor, Mr. Bush. I'm not one for politics but there are some things that I am aware of. "Change that we can believe in" was a blatant lie and I have lost any faith I may have had in him. Was he a better choice than 79-year-old John McCain? Indubitably. But that isn't saying much. I promise there's more to this than politics. Let me explain.

(I remember my first lie)

If I can recall correctly, one of Obama's major platforms during his run for presidency was a "promise" to pull back most of our troops that Bush had sent into Afghanistan and Iraq within a year. Believe it or not, we ended up sending more in after the previous deadline. I wasn't so thrilled about it. I was talking to my former liberal Jew roommate today discussing the whole Libya situation. This thing needs to be rectified immediately. Bombing the shit out of them? For what reason? My guess is to divert our attention away from the catastrophe that is occurring in Japan.

If we send troops in on foot to Libya, I'm afraid Obama is pretty much giving up any hope he has of winning re-election. At a time when our economy is in a whirlwind of shit, we should be thinking of ways to generate more money, not spend what we are already being loaned. And as far as I know, the whole universal healthcare bill has met so many setbacks, I feel it will never be passed into law. I don't disagree with the idea of healthcare for all. Seemingly, everyone should be entitled to being helped. However, if you are in great health for a majority of your life, like me, you should have the option of getting it or not. This current plan is set to make everyone pay for it, whether you really need it or not. If you choose not to accept it, you owe a fee. Silly. But I'm over the politics now. On to Japan.

I haven't wrote about Japan yet because I don't have much to say. What happened there nearly 2 weeks ago is probably the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone in the world. Whereas September 11th was a travesty because humans hurt and killed other humans, this, in my opinion, is worse because it wasn't preventable, but you knew it was going to happen. With only a 30-minute warning to evacuate the area, you knew the results were going to be lethal. And this really sucks. It actually hurts me to think about because the Japanese, or anyone for that matter, didn't deserve this. Not by any stretch of the imagination. And I saw a video about a Catholic girl praising God for unleashing his fury to Atheists. What a sick fucking bitch. I actually hope she dies. My heart goes out to Japan, for those who lost someone or something, better days lie ahead.

And so the prophecy set for December 21, 2012 looks to be more and more likely. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard of. But with all this shit that has been going down lately, now I'm not so sure. The start of what looks like could be World War III, the earthquake/tsunami that shook Japan, the supermoon that did nothing last night, all this shit just seems to be brewing the end of Earth as we know it. I like being a negative Nancy and living my life with no expectations to ensure that I'm never let down, but this is just too much. I still have so much to accomplish. I need to pollute the world with my children. I need to ruin their lives and make them good at sports, unlike me. Not everyone knows that, "I am better than you."

March Madness Is Turning Out To Include More Than Just College Basketball

In what could be considered the second National Sports holiday of the year, first being the Super Bowl, the NCAA Tournament officially started today. In all we have 16 games that are played on both Thursday and Friday and then reduced in half hereinafter. For me, this is personally my favorite day of the year. I always get that false hope of getting a perfect bracket and winning shit tons of money. But since I have a pretty tight grasp on all things sports, my bracket always gets fucked up around 5:00 pm Thursday. But it's the excitement of the games that gets my blood boiling. However, this tournament start date also marked St. Patrick's Day, the alcoholic's holiday. How elegant.

This year March 17 turned out to be incredible in more ones than one. I got to lay in bed all day and watch every single game. I didn't get to drink in the fuckin' awesome 60 degree weather. My amigos from college aren't even in the country anymore. And I kept seeing commercials for Buffalo Wild Wings. It is easily the greatest chain restaurant in the United States with the most delicious wing sauces. It actually pained me to sit and watch these commercials come one after the other. It's almost as if I punished someone and this was my payback. But I didn't. I'm a good person.

(How fuckin' flashy is this? Literally.)

Why do people celebrate St. Patrick's Day? I wrote earlier this month about how I was being a drunkard all day celebrating this joyous holiday, but for what reason? My religious beliefs are null-and-void, my nationality is not Irish (it's worse), and I hate the color green. My friend is kind of lucky that he is colorblind because I think green is one of the colors he can't see. It comes out brown or something. Green is such a stupid color. I don't like anything green. And what's the deal with corned beef and sauerkraut? My mom was pushing that shit all day on me. I didn't become Jewish today, why would I want that stuff? I just don't get it, but like I said, it's just an excuse for Americans to get drunk. That's fine.

To also go along with the theme, the disaster in Japan is getting worse by the day. My uncle is terrified that those nuclear reactors are going to explode, if they haven't already, and has been drinking iodized salt water to counter it. If you are like me and have no idea why he was doing it, the reason is simple. Iodine is a chemical solution that helps prevent radioactive materials from entering into the thyroid gland. If it does enter, it could become cancerous. I think his strategy is a little pre-emptive because we don't even know for sure that those nuclear materials will even make it here. This is where the madness is really occurring.

I read an article today in between games that warned of the dangers of taking potassium iodine, KI, as a preventative measure as opposed to a necessary one. They sell it in pills over-the-counter in the drug stores around the country, but due to the panic, has been sold out since late last week. It makes me nervous because maybe these people know something that I don't know. Or they are overreacting for the time being. Who's to say? Not me. You have to imagine that we aren't going to hear all the truths over the media, but I'd hope they'd tell us if our lives/health was at serious risk. But that's enough about that.

March should be a month that focuses on the upcoming warm-ish weather. The start of baseball and college basketball at it's finest. I'm sure when the time comes around, I'll be writing about Opening Day 2011. But what I hate most about March is the onslaught of allergies that attack me. I wish my mom wasn't such a dweeb and had an impenetrable immune system? that would prevent my body from feeling like shit for a week or two. Sore throats are the worst, but trying to go to sleep with a clogged nose isn't very thrilling either. And then you wake up with a dry mouth because you're breathing through it like an asshole. Atrocious. So I actually kind of hate March for that reason. I'm sorry I wasn't funny today. Or any other day for that matter. I can't help that "I'm better than you."

Disney Princesses: Who Would You Penetrate?

I was very fortunate to have an older sister growing up. She got to dress me up like Dorothy, put make-up on me to make me look like a clown, I got to play with her Barbies when she wasn't home, and last but not least, watch all of the Disney princess movies. Those movies were the shit, I don't care what anybody says. From the countless number of times I've seen "The Little Mermaid", "Beauty and the Beast", "The Lion King", "Aladdin" and countless others, nothing can ever compare. So when I went to college and talked to my friends, both male and female, about their favorite princesses, I got overwhelming responses. Now I would like to debate which Disney princess I would most want to have sexes with.

Cinderella - This one is for all the conservative purists out there. I don't wanna hear about how I can't concoct a list without including the greatest Disney princess of them all. Well the truth of the matter is I don't like her frilly blond hair, her adoration of birds, or her dumbass headband. In fact, I don't like Cinderella at all. She is easily the most boring, lame princess of all of them. I only put her on here because I felt like I had to. She brings nothing to the table, so I'm done with her.

Ariel - It really broke my heart to list Ariel at number 4, but sometimes that's the way life goes. By all means I would love to penetrate Ariel, but the problem I see here is, where? Everything below her belly-button is covered by her fin. And yes I saw the movie, and yes I know she becomes a "human" or something. But we're talking about when she was hot. I mean, look at that shell-top bikini. That just screams sex. And that red-hair? Dazzling. I wonder if the curtains match the carpet. Either way, she's pretty awesome.

Jasmine - Another no-brainer. Look at her with those eloquent earrings and sophisticated headband thing. I don't know if it's a tiara, nor do I give a shit really. But yowza! I've seen Aladdin more times than I can count on all of my digits, and it never gets easier to stop lusting over this sweet diddy. It's as if she's wearing those UFO pants that were popular amongst the Hot Topic boys in the late 90s. Except she can pull it off. And her long, beautiful hair is delightful. If you haven't seen Kim Kardashian dressed as Jasmine, I suggest you Google it now.

Belle - A lot of my southern friends liked Belle because they have this "southern belle" complex. At least that's how I diagnosed it. But I can't argue much with them. She's pretty wonderful by every stretch of the imagination. Yellow isn't my favorite color in the world, but she's so pretty that she can wear whatever she wants. That also includes nothing. Bright green eyes, and rose petals in her hair. What are you doing to us Walt? Perfectly shaped red-lips and straight white teeth to go along with it. She exemplifies what I want in a woman. Someone out of my league.

Nala - This one's a no-brainer. Of all the Disney princesses in the history of animated film-making , Nala wins Grand Prize. With a cute as a button nose, and a ferocious tail that could knock me the fuck out, she takes my heart and runs away with it. Another example of Disney melting our hearts with those lush green eyes and perfectly symmetrical eyebrows. All the makings of the Queen of Disney. I think Nala was created when Walt was still alive, but held back until the animation was so technologically advanced, they could present her in all of her true glory. Nala is number 1.

I know you think I'm a sick son-of-a-bitch because I picked an animal as the best Disney princess. And I'm ranking cartoon characters that I would fornicate with. But you're the sick one for actually reading it. And there's nothing wrong with liking animals. I doubt you will disagree with my rankings because they are 100% correct. But if you still find fault with them, give up because "I am better than you."

Marijuana: America's Seemingly Favorite Plant

If I gave you one million dollars to name 25 of the 50 State Flowers, could you do it? I doubt it seriously. The reason I doubt it? Because unless you're a botanist or stegosaurus, you don't give a shit about plants. But I know of one plant that most Americans as well as humans around the globe do know about. That plant is cannabis, most commonly referred to as marijuana. There are way too many other names that it goes by so I'll leave Ali G to give you all the fun names. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdmuVS7O6FY...skip to about 4:23 or watch the whole thing) Since this isn't history class I'll only tell you that its use goes back as far as the 3rd millenium BC. Whoa that's a long time.

For most people growing up, they aren't made aware of marijuana until they reach high school. At least that's how it was for me. And since I'm too much of a pussy, I never tried it either. But I was friends with some kids who smoked "pot" and they were decent individuals. But as a child I was always taught that marijuana is a "gateway drug", one that opens the gates for more intense drug use down the road. That's why I always played sports. My mom wanted to keep me as far away from the streets as she could. Looks like it worked because I haven't touched it. Plus, it's illegal.

Then I went to college. College is fun. You get to hook up with girls, drink until your liver implodes, experiment with friends, and justify using recreational drugs. Your parents aren't around to tell you what to do and you cross that boundary of making your own decisions. Well I decided to yet again not smoke it. That doesn't mean I didn't like the people who did. Some of my closest friends that I made in college liked smoking the reefer on very non-monumental occasions. I was oblivious and didn't know what 4/20 was. As far as I knew, it was the 20th of April. But it's like pot-smoking day or something. Whatever.

And who woulda thunk that a majority of people I know parents still smoke to this day! All of our parents are typically around the same age, between 50-65. So that means they were very alive for Woodstock. That was when drug use was somewhat okay and hippies shot out of the woodwork. Tie-dye and all that other horrendous shit that people still think is cool today. Even the Beatles did some drugs, evidenced by their album Revolver amongst others. So once upon a time drug use was cool. That's why it makes sense that we're all a little off the rocker. We're like drug babies or something.

In spite of my disinterest in marijuana, I think it should be made legal. With the whirlpool of shit our economy is in right now, it just might be the jumpstart we need. California got the ball rolling by legalizing it and look at them. A financial juggernaut. But, not really. I think with a little bit of tweaking we can make this work. We can set up stands on street corners, or get the ends of long buildings and supply the stuff out of there. Maybe we can even get the prostitutes involved somehow in a two-for-one deal. But that's for another blog post. Take out your blunts and smoke it up because "I am better than you."

Nickelodeon Cartoons Are Coming Back In A Big Way. Much Like Handjobs

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